Twelve Tips To Understanding and Choosing a Health Care Plan

1. If you’ve read all of Obama’s health care plans and all of the Republicans’ counter-plans and all of the criticisms of all of the health care plans in other countries then you probably have eye strain. Good luck getting it treated under any plan. If you want my advice, just stop reading so much and go to a ball game. At least that’s what my doctor told me to do. Actually his receptionist told me that. My doctor was gone for the day.

2. If you want to choose your own doctor, go ahead. It doesn’t matter who’s paying for it. The trick is getting an appointment. My doctor is booked up until Christmas. 2012.

3. If you are worried about having a pre-existing condition – don’t. Everyone has pre-existing conditions. Otherwise no one would be here. So the doctors have to treat you. And telling the doctor what disease you have before you ever meet him is a good thing. Because now there is a slightly higher chance that he might make the correct diagnosis.

4. If you own a small business and are finding that providing health care for your employees is driving you out of business then you have three options: if you choose the Obama plan then all you have to do is sell your old car, apply for a stimulus package and hope that you’re not out of luck; if you choose a Republican plan you can skip the hoping part because you’re already out of luck; if you choose a combo plan you’re out of business but not out of luck. Because the combo comes with fries and a large drink.

5. If you suffer from a disease so obscure that no celebrity even sponsors a cure for it and you are afraid your disease won’t be covered under your treatment plan, stop worrying. Stars love to be the first ones to know about stuff, it makes them feel even more superior to us. So just call George Clooney or Madonna – they’ll put you in touch with the right people who will turn you into the next cause célèbre. Hell, you might even get adopted. You could call the Baldwin household but if the wrong brother answers the phone he won’t know what in the hell you’re talking about. Ever.

6. If you have been wondering whether mental health problems are covered by your plan here’s a simple rule to follow: it all depends. For example – stupidity is not a treatable disease; however, judging by most blogs written today, it is highly contagious.

7. If you’re a member of a fringe group who believes in a vast intricate conspiracy among pharmaceuticals, caregivers, and insurance companies calculated to exploit the ignorance of the American public about all things medical in order to make a buck – you’re right. So now what? You’re going to stop calling 911?

8. If you are frustrated by your HMO because you don’t understand the complex rules behind its shows about gorgeous vampires, well-hung gigolos, and Hollywood egoists, then simply change providers. Try Showtime, for instance.

9. If you are angry because you need to go to a specialist but you can’t go to a specialist because first you have to get referred to a specialist by a primary care physician but you can’t go to a primary care physician because once they realized specialists made more money they all became specialists and so now you can’t go to anyone, realize this: you are suffering from Catch-22, for which there will never be a cure. So don’t even bother to donate to its fund. Unless of course you want to support Catch-22. Then, by all means, send in your money. But whatever you do don’t check the box asking for a receipt. Because they’ll charge you for it. And so on. And so on.

10. If you are upset that any plan will change your Medicare and Medicaid benefits and increase the cost of your monthly prescriptions – just don’t get old, poor, or sick.

11. If you want a plan which provides a caregiver who will be by your side no matter what disease you have, a caregiver who will listen to you no matter what your problem is, and a caregiver who will follow you around no matter where you move to – get a dog.

12. And if you want the best health care plan in the world but you want other people to pay for it – run for President.

What was our socialist president thinking? Well, we, the loyal opposition in this country, will tell you – straight and true – because that’s how we talk. This man delivers one of his “inspirational” speeches right into our schools, tries to pollute our children’s minds – and then acts like it was no big deal? Rest assured, he will not get away with this, not with the loyal opposition in this country keeping an eye – and ear – on him.

Here are some of the words from the actual text of his speech to our children – our poor little brain-washable American children! That’s who he said this to:

“I encourage you to study hard and graduate from school.”

Just whose school is this guy talking about? His school? The school of Karl Marx and John Lennon?! Yes, that is precisely the kind of school this mad man is talking about, that school of socialist thought where everyone is equal under the law and no one can get ahead without cheating the rich. And we ask you – is that the kind of school you want our children – our helpless, mindless American children – to go to?

After our strong reaction to this talk, you might think the President would stop giving these remorseless relentless speeches but no, he’s got more scheduled. It is part of his entire administration’s ruthless plan to make Americans more aware of their potential. And we ask you – who needs that? We know what our potential are. Or is. Whatever.

Here’s more actual text from another one of our “Commander’s” speeches, a talk he plans on giving to the most powerful military in the world – our American military:

“I’d like to thank you for your heroic service and sacrifice.”

What the hell does THAT mean? Come on, it’s got socialism – capital S – you notice all the “s” words in that sentence – written all over it. In fact, you can actually find the words ‘service’ and ‘sacrifice’ in the Communist Manifesto. Or in articles written about it. Could anything be more clear? And he says this to our military, the people we trust to protect our children – our poor directionless, unable-to-think-for-themselves American children. This Commander in Chief is acting just like a chief, one of those so-called Native American types who want their own lands and want to follow their own laws and want us to come to their casinos. What horror is this man going to bring upon us using our own military? Time will tell. We must remain vigilant.

And if that wasn’t enough our un-American president (just tell us: where is that birth certificate?) is planning on giving a speech to pregnant women! To pregnant women! Has he no shame? Here are some of the actual words he plans to say:

“Live healthy.”

Have you ever heard a more green let’s climb on board the socialist eco-machine message than that? My goodness, this man is unstoppable. Exhorting pregnant women, mothers of our future children – our impressionable just-can’t-think-for-themselves American children – to be healthy. And where have you seen that word before? You know what I’m talking about. On every whole grain vegetarian don’t touch the meat vegan natural socialist food aisle in this country. And you see more of ‘em every day. It’s getting so you can’t go in a Kroger’s or a Ralph’s without tripping over something natural and nutritious. And yet these are the foods – and the words – this president is trying to feed us.

We say – enough speechifying Mr. President – give us a real inspirational talk. Tell us how you’re going to create an America where you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, where you earn what’s yours and lead by example. That’s what you should be telling our children – our little can’t-mold-their-own-minds American children.

But you don’t know a thing about that kind of America, do you Mr. President? You don’t know what it’s like to live with discrimination and start from nothing and come from a broken home and work your way to the top, do you? Well, it’s time you learned. So stop all this divisive talk and bring us back together. Because that’s what we do, Mr. President, that’s what we do, your very loyal opposition