WASH., D.C. - Former Vice-President Dick Cheney, fed up with restraints on his office, declared himself King today in a prepared statement.

“Everyone knows it has been me, Dick Cheney, who has been running things around here since I was elected in 2000 with my sidekick, George W. Bush,” announced His Majesty. “With the recent hostile take over of the Congress by the Democrats, caused by an accidental under-vote of Republican bytes in voting machines last election, it has become more difficult for me to do my job. They are demanding all sorts of ridiculous things, like compliance with systems for protecting classified information and following a bunch of other laws. In the interest of national security, responsible government and sheer convenience, I’ve decided it is time to do away with the pretense, unveil the shadow government, and bring it out into the light where it belongs. I’ve been king for six years, let’s just get on with it.”

Reaction has been swift up on Capitol Hill, with Republican congressmen falling all over themselves to be first to kiss King Cheney’s ring, while Democrats have been more reserved, opting instead to simply bow as Cheney passed by.

“At least we don’t have to wonder any more,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, “who is really running things. And naturally, impeachment is totally off the table now. However, we do want assurance that we can address our concerns to the King without fear of flogging or beheading - that much we feel we deserve.” Asked about this demand, Cheney said simply, “We’ll see about that,” adding, “Nancy should know I’ve still got my shotgun in the closet.”

Constitutional scholars weighed in on the matter as well. Professor Sidney Lookitup questioned the legality of the move, saying, “He’s not even president yet! How does he just leapfrog to King?” Other scholars reserved judgement, with one distinguished historian, eyes darting around nervously and insisting on anonymity, asking, “Has he claimed the power to execute anyone he wishes yet?”

In other news, President Bush today nullified the Constitution in a signing statement. “We are a forward-looking nation, and that old document was just holding us back from real progress,” he said at the signing ceremony.

James Israel is the publisher of Humor Times, a review of the news using editorial cartoons, humor columns “fake news” and much more. The printed publication or PDF version are available by subscription at humortimes.com. Sample issues are also available.

WillRogersUSA.com - Political Humorist Will Roberts

Now all I know is what I hear from the President, in the State of the Union.

Now if you did not tune into the State of the Union you really did not miss much. Here is a reader’s digest version.

When they announced the President of the United States, all the folks in the hall raised to there feet and at that moment, I realized that this is where the 33% approval rating was hanging out.

The President stressed more money for the vets; of course, he created more solders that need that help.

He talked about funding low-income folks getting funds to attend private school. What a way to support the public schools MR. President.

Mr. Bush touched on earmarks and the fact that he will veto any and all that comes across his desk that are not talked about and gone over with a fine toothed comb. He has learned his lesson, with the 54,977 earmarks worth $106 billion that he passed already.

Remember folks, you can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear, unless it comes from presidential pork!

The most beneficial thing about this speech is that it allowed Republicans to get some good leg exercises in, Up down Up down … and the applause created a cardio work out. And the Democrats well, they got a good nap in.

Most of what the President did was pass the torch, but with the state of our COUNTRY, it is more like passing of the bond fire that’s out of control. “I will sit here for another 300 something days, but I will let you know that it is all in your hands. Good luck, I am going fishing.” I cant image that the President is not looking at the rest of his time in office as like a member of survivor and he is just waiting to get off this island, ON HIS own accord and not having the American people vote him off.

Democrats did not make much movement in last nights address, but that has been pretty much the same range of motion they have had since they took over congress, minimal to none. But as I have always said, when the democrats got congress we were moving into the 2008 Presidential elections. Now, if you look at it that way it makes the democrats look pretty smart. Would you want to do ANYTHING in congress until the 2008 elections are over? Not on your life. One false move and they run the risk of making a mistake and costing the 2008 seat in the White House. Democrats are just biding time in their seats until they are sure a Democratic President is firmly rooted in the White House lawn.

This here address, speech, talking to, was really no more than a laundry list of thing that Mr. Bush wanted us to know he was going to get around too, or is still around to get after, maybe sometime before his last day. When all it did really was, remind us Americans that we have an awful lot of dirty laundry we are airing out and the rest of the world knows it.

The other big-ER story of the union address had NOTHNG to do with Bush at all. Sometimes I think the media attends these events to see what all the OTHER people are doing at the event – AKA – Tabloid smut, mainly on the count of Bush is old news and the BIG news is Obama and Clinton. Looks like the media folks are trying to find something interesting in yesterday’s speech so they decided to focus on the Democrat front-runners doing a walk-by of each other.

I have told you folks this before and I will say it again, Photojournalists will set the camera to rapidity shoot your picture and end up using the one that makes you look your worst and will create a whole story about it making you look bad, and have the picture to back it up.

Overall, I don’t know how much I will ultimately blame Bush for the economy crashing the way it is and will in the final days in office. This Harvard Business graduate worked the numbers the best he could. It is not everyday you throw a trillion dollar war in the mix and hope you can balance the budget. C for effort and F for clever solutions. I however, may be the only person at this time that will be as kind with his grades. But you don’t need to be an economist to figure out these numbers: Approval rating was at it highest 50% and at it lowest now, is 31%, the math is easy.

Will Roberts - A Modern Day Will Rogers! WillRogersUSA.com

Why we should all vote for Barack Obama, it is about our kids!

Well it seems that we may have reached a turning point in the Democratic campaign last night. Senators Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama turned to each other and the Democratic Party instead of turning up their noses at each other.

At one point, I thought the two candidates were going to high five, which is better than the high sign. Maybe it was due in part that the debate was held in Hollywood, California. Maybe it was because it is just down to two candidates and there is no longer anyone to separate them from an all out brawl. Or maybe they finally realized that they are not the only party and that the republicans are the ones they should have been going after in the first place. Either way, things seemed to have gone swimmingly this time around.

Now I don’t know about you folks, but in the beginning of the debate, I was a little nervous about the fact that they were both seated so close to each other. I half expected to see some fencing; you know similar to what you would see in an ultimate fighting event. After all, it was Hollywood home of the lights, camera and action city! What was different about tinsel town last night is that all the stars seemed to be out, in one room, acting civil, which proves you can have the Hollywood untouchables in one room, even if it is not about them. I did see something that slightly bothered me that I have never really thought of until this debate. It was a moment when everyone seemed to be agreeing on some point to do with President Bush. By the way, want a neat party trick? If you want to unify a large group of people, just talk about President Bush– that always seems to do it. Ok sorry, back to my point!

So all were agreeing on something and applauding something of one of the candidates and, as the thunderous applause broke out; and, at the moment they cut to a shot of Ugly Betty star clapping, she was wearing a Hillary button. There is one issue, OTHER than the fact that they call the program UGLY Betty, but that I will deal with later.

The fact that they reinforced candidate creditability with a star on camera and a support button seems wrong to me. Endorsements drive every know product and certainly drive Hollywood itself. But let’s make it clear that what a Hollywood star does on their off-screen LIFE and the their on-screen LIFE is normally and, sometimes, drastically different. To sway folks to vote for a candidate of change based on an actors who spend their lives changing into something different each day is just not right. Any decision to make a choice based purely on what something looks like without checking into it and how it works, is like buying a used car that has a new paint job and shinny rims. Looks great but does it run? You won’t know ’till you kick the tires and take it for a test drive. As much as our candidates look for folks to endorse them, the folks we should consider as credible should be the folks in the areas we feel are important to the issues; and, unless they are being nominated for a SAG award, let’s leave Hollywood out of this one. Well now, enough of all of that.

I want to pass by you folks an epiphany I had the other day. I was at the Obama rally here is Phoenix, AZ. I could go on and on about this whole experience, but I will wait and give it its own full, blank piece of paper at a later date. All I will tell you is, if you ever wanted to get the sensation of walking on water, this was the event for you. The thousands of folks there were energized to be there and, when Obama walked out, we all became electrified. By the end, we were enlightened. We could have lit the city for the next 10 years … But, here is what I noticed: Of the thousands of folks that were there to see Obama, I am guessing that 50% were 30 – 70 years old, the other 50% were young folks, kids, teens, 20s; and, they were all fired up to meet this man. The man of change. Here is what dawned on me, where as Gorge Bush and all the rest of the politicians ON BOTH SIDES have turned the American voters off from voting, (”My vote does not matter.”)

Obama has reached down to the young folks, gotten them to become present, and COUNTED for. If we elect this candidate, we not only gain a qualified president, but a unified country. For the past 20 so years, we have become victims of our government. Sitting on the sidelines hoping, or losing hope, that things would work out– and they have not.

If Obama becomes president, we will usher in a new generation of interactive voters. The children are our future; and, if we don’t elect him, I fear we will lose even more of the heart of our country, not just the young at heart, THE YOUNG will lose their heart for our country. I really do wish that Hillary had the younger audience as well, but she does not. They say that we all work to be better than our parents. But, what they don’t tell us is that it is our job as the parent to set our kids on that path.

The last Democratic debate was exciting to see these two fine candidates agree on at least one thing, and that was that whichever way voters went, the party would follow what the PEOPLE of the United States want! If you think that the Super Bowl is a great ticket event, hang on to your playbooks, Patriots! Wait and see if it does not wind up being: Clinton and Obama OR Obama and Client.

Not just the dream team . . . THE TEAM!

Hillary at Bat

by Mike Andrews

(with apologies to Ernest L. Thayer)

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Clinton team that day,
The score stood eleven to zero, with but one more primary day to play.
And then when Carolina died at first, and Wisconsin did the same,
A pall-like silence fell upon the patrons of the dame.

A straggling few got up to go in deep disgust.
The rest clung to that hope of those supporters who’d been bussed.
They thought, “if only a woman could but get an honest shake.
We’d put up with even more Bill now, with so much that’s at stake.”

But Bill preceded Hillary, as did also Penn (the snake)
and the former was a has-been, while the latter was a fake.
So upon that stricken multitude fell tales of Hillary’s spouse;
and there seemed but little chance of Hillary ascending to the House.

But Bill let drive a fairy tale, to the wonderment of all.
And Penn, the much despised, ran an ad beyond the pall.
And when the lies had lifted, and men saw what had occurred,
there was Willie safe at second and Penn a-hugging third.

Then from five hundred throats and more there rose a desp’rate scream;
it floated through the gymnasium, like a pothead’s hazy dream;
it grated on the backboard and recoiled upon the brain;
for Hillary, mighty Hillary, was advancing to campaign.

There was ease in Hillary’s manner as she stepped into her place,
there was pride in Hillary’s bearing and a smirk lit Hillary’s face.
And when, responding to the jeers, she turned her vicious scowl,
no stranger in the crowd could doubt t’was Hillary’s turn to growl.

Ten hundred eyes were on her as she slung a little mud.
Five hundred noses crinkled when they sniffed at Hillary’s crud.
Then, while the watching media cast its eyes upon her flip,
defiance flashed in Hillary’s eye, a sneer curled Hillary’s lip.

And now the honest question came, a-ruffling her hair,
and Hillary stood a-watching with her haughty high-brow stare.
Close by the wond’ring journalist the question he had read –
“That ain’t my style,” said Hillary. “Strike one!” the public said.

From the benches, sparse with people, there went up a muffled laugh,
like the cackle of a harping crow and the bleating of a calf.
“Obama! Vote Obama!” shouted someone on the stand,
and it’s likely they’d have followed him had not Hillary raised her hand.

With a frown of disapproval and a glist’ning sweated brow,
she stilled the rising voters’ choice, and swore she’d never bow.
She signaled to the media, and once more the question flew,
but Hillary still ignored it, and the public said, “Strike two!”

“Fraud!” cried the maddened thousands, and echo answered “Fraud!”
But one guilty glare from Hillary and the audience was awed.
They saw her face grow stern and cold, they saw her muscles strain,
and they knew that Hillary wouldn’t let the truth go by again.

The sneer has fled from Hillary’s lip, the teeth are clenched in hate.
She screeches with indignation at the cruelty of her fate.
And now a voter has a worry, and now he lets it fly,
and now the air is shattered by the force of Hillary’s lie.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright.
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And, somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout,
but there is no joy in New Hampshire -
mighty Hillary has struck out.

Hillary at Bat

by Mike Andrews

(with apologies to Ernest L. Thayer)

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Clinton team that day,
The score stood eleven to zero, with but one more primary day to play.
And then when Carolina died at first, and Wisconsin did the same,
A pall-like silence fell upon the patrons of the dame.

A straggling few got up to go in deep disgust.
The rest clung to that hope of those supporters who’d been bussed.
They thought, “if only a woman could but get an honest shake.
We’d put up with even more Bill now, with so much that’s at stake.”

But Bill preceded Hillary, as did also Penn (the snake)
and the former was a has-been, while the latter was a fake.
So upon that stricken multitude fell tales of Hillary’s spouse;
and there seemed but little chance of Hillary ascending to the House.

But Bill let drive a fairy tale, to the wonderment of all.
And Penn, the much despised, ran an ad beyond the pall.
And when the lies had lifted, and men saw what had occurred,
there was Willie safe at second and Penn a-hugging third.

Then from five hundred throats and more there rose a desp’rate scream;
it floated through the gymnasium, like a pothead’s hazy dream;
it grated on the backboard and recoiled upon the brain;
for Hillary, mighty Hillary, was advancing to campaign.

There was ease in Hillary’s manner as she stepped into her place,
there was pride in Hillary’s bearing and a smirk lit Hillary’s face.
And when, responding to the jeers, she turned her vicious scowl,
no stranger in the crowd could doubt t’was Hillary’s turn to growl.

Ten hundred eyes were on her as she slung a little mud.
Five hundred noses crinkled when they sniffed at Hillary’s crud.
Then, while the watching media cast its eyes upon her flip,
defiance flashed in Hillary’s eye, a sneer curled Hillary’s lip.

And now the honest question came, a-ruffling her hair,
and Hillary stood a-watching with her haughty high-brow stare.
Close by the wond’ring journalist the question he had read –
“That ain’t my style,” said Hillary. “Strike one!” the public said.

From the benches, sparse with people, there went up a muffled laugh,
like the cackle of a harping crow and the bleating of a calf.
“Obama! Vote Obama!” shouted someone on the stand,
and it’s likely they’d have followed him had not Hillary raised her hand.

With a frown of disapproval and a glist’ning sweated brow,
she stilled the rising voters’ choice, and swore she’d never bow.
She signaled to the media, and once more the question flew,
but Hillary still ignored it, and the public said, “Strike two!”

“Fraud!” cried the maddened thousands, and echo answered “Fraud!”
But one guilty glare from Hillary and the audience was awed.
They saw her face grow stern and cold, they saw her muscles strain,
and they knew that Hillary wouldn’t let the truth go by again.

The sneer has fled from Hillary’s lip, the teeth are clenched in hate.
She screeches with indignation at the cruelty of her fate.
And now a voter has a worry, and now he lets it fly,
and now the air is shattered by the force of Hillary’s lie.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright.
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light.
And, somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout,
but there is no joy in New Hampshire -
mighty Hillary has struck out.