Bill Clinton wrote the Times Magazine crossword this Sunday. This is as far as we got.

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Let’s face it state nicknames are as passé as Brittany’s blond tresses. . No one ever takes a Hoosier to lunch anymore and a cornhusker is usually identified as a new Dr. Scholl product. It’s time then for a new set of state nicknames for the 21st century. You ,the public, which has successfully handled the grave responsibility of choosing An American Idol, has earned the right to decide the 50 new state nicknames from the nominees below. Note the current nickname in parentheses

Alabama (Heart of Dixie)

A. Heart of Darkness
B. Vacationbland
C. The Six Pack and Gun Rack State
D. The 50% Cotton State.

State Bird: The Jim Crow

Alaska (The Last Frontier)

A. The Last Frontier of the Cruise Lines.
B. Gateway To Siberia
C. Land of the Midnight Sun Lamp
D. Half Baked Alaska

State Bird: Oil Slick Backed Gull

Arkansas (Land of Opportunity)

A. Whitewater Grafting State
B. Bimbo State
C. Hot Springs State
D. Hot Bed Springs State

State Flower: Gennifer

Arizona (Grand Canyon State)

A. Yuh, But It Is A Dry Heat State
B. Brown Grass State
C. Saddle Sore State
D. AARP State

California (Golden State)

A. The Chaotic State
B. Land of Disenchantment
C. Land of Nixon
D. The Altered State

State flower: Black Dahlia

Colorado (The Centennial State)

A. The Oxygen Deprived State
B. Rocky Mountain Sigh State
C. Where the Donners Were Gonners State
D. The Coors Twins State.

Connecticut (The Constitution State)

A. Land of Lincoln Continental
B. The Lyme Disease State
C. Martha Stewart’s Living and Fibing State
D. The Confluence of Affluence State

Delaware (The First State)

A. State Inc.
B. Dupont’s Private E-state
C. The Chemically Dependent State
D. The Inc. Stained State

Florida (The Sunshine State)

A. The Palmetto Bug State
B. The Mickey Mouse State
C. The Transient State
D. Incontinent Sub-Continent

State Bird: Early Bird Special

Georgia (The Peach State)

A. Land of Mr. Peanut
B. Richard (Jewel) of The South State
C. The Northern Wannabe State
D. Peach Fuzz Groom State

Hawaii (Aloha State)

A. Mahalo , Shalom Whatever State
B. Aloha To Your Dollars State
C. Surf Bum State
D. America’s Game Show Prize

Idaho (Gem State)

A The Potato and Other Bad Carbs State
B. The Flout Your Trout State
C. Boise Is The Hood State
D. Mounted Antlers in Lavatory State.

Illinois (The Prairie State)

A. One Dead Man One Vote State
B. What is an Illini State
C. Duh Bears State
D. Land of Lincoln paraphernalia

Indiana (The Hoosier State)

A. Bobby Knightmare State
B. The Right Winged Quayle State
C. Shot Hoops And Foreign Troops State
D. What the Heck Is A Hoosier State

Iowa (Hawkeye State)

A. America’s gluten spewing, colon clogging bread-basket
B. The Walmart Anchored Mall State
C. One Scarecrow On Vote State
D. Well Subsidized Field of Dreams State

Kansas (The Sunshine State)

A. E-I-E-I-O state
B. Gateway to Oz State
C. The Ethanol State
D. 4H Before 3 Rs State

Kentucky (The Blue Grass State)

A. Fast Fillies and High Priced Studs State
B. The Gelding State
C. The Crystal (meth) State
D. Land That Lincoln Left State

Louisiana (The Bayou State)

A. When The Saints Go Sloshing In State
B. “Brownie You Did A Job On Our State”
C. Submeged My Chevy in the Levee State
D. Home of/is the Superdome State

Maine (Pine Tree State)

A. Death By Snowmobile State
B. 25 Teeth Per Capita State
C. Pining For More Trees State
D. The Too -Quaint State

Maryland (Old Line State)

A. Give a Case of Crabs State
B. Barry Levinson State
C. Star Mangled Banner State
D. Lacrosse and LaCoste State

Massachusetts (The Bay State)

A. Pointy Headed Liberal State
B. The Gay State
C. Cod Forsaken State
D. The Get Scrod State

State Bird: Larry

Michigan (Wolverine State)

A. The Prius Envy State
B. The Snap. Crackle and Flop State
C. Land of the Over-priced Floor Mat
D. The Rear Exhaust State

Minnesota (Land of 10,000 Lakes)

A. Land of 20,000 Drownings
B. Land of 1,000,000 dead Batteries
C. Norse Of Course State
D. Lapps Dancing State

Missouri (The Show Me State)

A. The Show Me The Money State.
B. Hanson Headlining Branson State
C. The Steer and Beer State
D. Goddam Land of Harry Truman That Tough SOB State

Mississippi (Magnolia State)

A. Old Jr. Miss
B. The Real Dixie Chicks State
C. Food Stamp State
D. The Stars and Bars State

Montana (Treasure State)

A. State of Siege
B. Enemy of the State
C. One Horse One Vote State
D. 2nD Amendment State

Nebraska (Cornhusker State)

A. The Little House Was Not On This Prairie State .
B. No That’s In Kansas State
C. The Unicameral Legislature State
D. The 50% Less Graft State.

Nevada (Silver State)

A. The Get Some State
B. Land of The Complimentary Buffet
C. The State of Sin
D. Land of Bugsy

New Hampshire (The Granite State)

A. The Crumbling Granite State
B, Primarily Less Important State
C. Live Free or Move To Mass. State
D. The Dump LBJ State

State Bird: The Flighty Politician

New Jersey (Garden State)

A. Wise Guy State
B. Landfill of The Nation
C. The Rodney Dangerfield State
D. The Garden Variety State

State Bird: The Stool Pigeon

New Mexico (Land Of Enchantment)

A. Coyote and Peyote State
B. Mushroom Cloud State
C. Alber-quirky State
D. First in Flying Saucer Flight State

New York (The Empire State)

A. The Chutzpah State
B. Agitated State
C The Evil Empire State
D. The Cheesecake State

State Bird: The Bird

North Carolina (Tarheel State)

A. The Cancer Stick State
B. First in Flight From Hurricanes State
C. Land of Jordan
D. Tar(heel) and Nicotine State

North Dakota (Flickertail State)

A. Flooded State
B. Buffalos Winged State
C. Bison Chip State
D. Is There life Out There State

Ohio (Buckeye State)

A. Four Dead in State
B. Recalled Tire State
C. Bucktooth State
D. Bucket-of-Fries State

Oklahoma (Sooner State)

A. Dusty State
B. Little Dogie State
C. Leave Sooner State
D. Marlboro Man State

Oregon (Beaver State)

A. Take a Tree To Lunch State
B. The Chainsaw Massacre State
C. Lewis and Clark Schlepped Here State
D. Forest Grumps State

Pennsylvania (The Keystone State)

A. The Hopefully Not Rocky VII State
B. The Hawking Amish-Gawking State
C. Cheese Steak and TMI Melt State
D. The Betsy Ross Slept Around Here State

Rhode Island (Ocean State)

A. The Sorry State Of Politics
B. The Mini-Me State
C. The State of No Consequence
D. Providence The TV Show State

South Carolina (Palmetto State)

A. Strom Thurmand Slept (through the 20th Century ) here state
B. Stars and Bars on Cars State
C. The Drunken Golf Junket State,
F. The Good Old Fashioned Shag State

South Dakota (Mount Rushmore State)

A. Its Just a Dumb Rock State
B. Custor’s Last Souvenir Stand State
C. The Speak With Forked Tounge State
D. America’s Missile Silo

Tennessee (The Volunteer State)

A. Elvis’ Bloated State
B. Land of Johnny Knoxville
C. Hee Haw State
D. Not Gore to the Core State

Texas (The Lone Star State)

A. The Lethal Injection II State
B. The Macho and Nacho State
C. The Remember (To spend At )the Alamo State
D. The Exaggerated State

State Flower: The Rambling Bush

Utah (Beehive State)

A. Beehive Hairdo State
B. The Pristine State
C. Cookies and Milk State
D. 3 Girls For Every Boy State

Vermont (Green Mountain State)

A. The Ben And Jerry State
B. The Cow Pie State
C. Hunting and Phishing State
D. The Sappiest State

Virginia (Old Dominion State

A. Dead Presidents State
B. Lee Slept Here Fitfully State
C. Has Been State
D. Civil Bore State

Washington (The Evergreen State)

A. Gates-way to America
B. G.W Never Schleped Out Here State
C. Grande State
D. The Un-sunshine State

West Virginia (Mountain State)

A. Old King Coal State
B. Black Lung State
C. Dead Canary State
D. Depressed State

Wisconsin (The Badger State)

A, The Badgered State
B. The Wurst State
C. The Blitzed on Schlitz State
D. The Beer Chugging and Deer Plugging State

Wyoming (The Equality State )

A. Old Faithful State
B. Old Faithfully Conservative State
C. Forest Fire State
D. Land of Zany Chaney State